


How Movements Rise and Then Dissolve

by Chash



Series: Weary With Right Angles [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexuality Spectrum, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 06:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5195048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chash/pseuds/Chash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Monty and Jasper became friends because they had the same birthday, so they find out about their soulmates at the same time. But Monty gets to meet his first, and it's a lot to handle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Movements Rise and Then Dissolve

Monty and Jasper became friends in kindergarten because they had the same birthday, and that's the kind of random coincidence that feels really profound when you're five years old. Monty sometimes wonders if they would have found each other if they hadn't had the birthday in common, but he thinks they would have. Even as kids, they were small and awkward, Monty too quiet and Jasper too loud, the kind of outcasts who gravitated toward each other, complimentary kinds of alone.

They do shared birthday parties, which turn, over the years, from inviting the whole class to one of their houses to just the two of them staying up all night eating junk food and playing video games, but Jasper doesn't even want to celebrate eighteen.

"There might not be anything to celebrate at all," he moans. They're at lunch and their birthday is tomorrow.

"Don't be a baby," says Monroe.

"She makes a good point," says Monty. "Not getting a mark isn't the end of the world, you know. In some ways, it might be better, if you just want a girlfriend as soon as possible."

"I've wanted a girlfriend as soon as possible for four years," Jasper says, somewhat miserable. "At least if I have a soulmate, I know I won't die a virgin."

"That's not actually true," Monroe says, bright. "There are all sorts of reasons you could still die a virgin."

"Are you trying to be unhelpful?" Jasper asks her.

"Basically, yeah."

Monty looks down at his tray, taking a few breaths to calm his heart rate. He's started realizing, slowly, that he thinks of sex in a fundamentally different way than Jasper does, and he doesn't know what that means. Jasper wants a girlfriend for a lot of reasons, of course; there's something like status involved, the comforting feeling that someone might want him romantically, the need to be thought of like that, which Monty gets. He gets crushes on guys the same way Jasper gets crushes on girls, but he doesn't really connect them to sexual desire. He thinks about being _wanted_ , loved. His fantasies tend toward romance, he thinks. Sex doesn't really factor into it.

Maybe it will be different, with a soulmate. He's been reading online about the various shades of asexuality, about terms he might identify with, but he's not ready to commit to anything yet. He's never even kissed anyone; maybe lust is one of those things that he'll feel with the right person.

Maybe his soulmate won't care about sex either. His mother says that's how soulmates are, that they understand you, but Monty knows it's not always true. Some people, like his parents, take the soulmate mark as a sign that they'll be able to get through anything, and that's how Monty wants to be too. But it's a cage for other people, something to keep them in a miserable place, because there's a mark on their skin that tells them this is where they're supposed to be, that this is what they deserve. And maybe his soulmate is someone who could pressure him into doing things he doesn't want to, who could twist their relationship. Maybe he'd let them. He's not convinced he wouldn't.

It's probably weird, that he wants a soulmate anyway. But he gets the other things Jasper wants from relationships, companionship and affection and someone who likes him best. If it works out with your soulmate, it's _awesome_.

It takes him about ten seconds to find the name when he wakes up on his eighteenth birthday; it's right above the band of his boxers, _Nathan Miller_ in neat block script. As names go, it's not particularly enlightening, but it's not like his is either. If Nathan Miller is already eighteen and also Monty's soulmate, he doesn't have any more idea about who Monty is than Monty does about him.

But he is Monty's soulmate.

Jasper calls at 6:32. "Anne Smith," he says, like he's in actual pain. " _Anne Smith_ , Monty! How am I ever going to find her?"

"Depends on if she has your name or not," says Monty, rooting through his dresser for a shirt. "If she does, you'll find each other. If she doesn't, well--maybe you're happier not knowing."

"You and Monroe just want me to suffer. Do you know how many Anne Smiths there are at our school? I'm looking it up now. There are _three_. Any of them could be my soulmate!"

"If they're eighteen, they probably aren't," says Monty. It's kind of a game, seeing how long it will take Jasper to remember to ask if he got a name. Not a very _good_ game, but a game nonetheless.

"Only one's in our grade," says Jasper. He sighs. "I'm never going to find her." Monty counts four seconds of silence, and then Jasper says, "Sorry, what about you? Anything?"

"Nathan Miller," he says.

"There's a freshman named Nathan Miller."

"There are probably a lot of people named Nathan Miller," says Monty. "I'm not holding my breath."

*

Later, it will be funny to Monty that he meets Clarke Griffin and Bellamy Blake on the same day. Clarke is first, in Professor Tsing's Monday-morning biochem seminar. Tsing is one of those professors who doesn't seem to have noticed that college students are basically adults, so she has assigned seating, alphabetical by last name, so he and Clarke are together at their lab table. It's nine am on the first Monday of the semester, and Clarke looks completely exhausted, so Monty nudges his coffee in her direction.

"Hm?" she asks, giving him a confused smile.

"I haven't had any yet," he says. "My best friend discovered the coffee shop near us hired a cute new barista, so he made me go get coffee with him. You look like you need it more than I do." Her expression goes wary, and it makes Monty's smile widen. "Sorry, was I supposed to be pretending you don't look like death warmed over?"

She ducks her head on a laugh, long hair spilling over her shoulder. "That would be the polite thing, yeah."

"Damn, I knew I forgot something."

Clarke laughs and cracks the lid on the coffee cup, letting out a soft, pleased exhalation at the smell. "Are you sure I can take this?" she hedges, like he could be heartless enough to take it back after that.

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Thank you, seriously. I overslept, I didn't have time for breakfast or anything."

"No problem." He offers his hand. "I'm Monty Green."

"Clarke Griffin," she says, shaking.

They don't have much of a chance to talk, but Professor Tsing says the seats will remain assigned, and that they'll be lab partners with their table mates, which makes Clarke smile, and Monty smiles back.

He doesn't need much of a reason to like people.

Bellamy Blake makes less of an immediate impression, just standing and waving when Professor Cartwig says, "This is Bellamy Blake, he'll be your TA this semester," but he more than makes up for it when he calls Monty over on Wednesday after class.

"Did you already screw up?" Jasper asks, low. "This must be a new record."

"Shut up," says Monty.

"I have to meet with my adviser, text me what he wants. Good luck."

"Traitor," Monty mutters, but it can't possibly be _bad_ , right? It's literally the second class. It's too early for anything to have gone wrong.

Monty hasn't really thought that much about Nathan Miller in the last two and a half years. It's partly because of Jasper; any time soulmates come up, he just moans about how impossible it will be to find Anne Smith, like Nathan Miller _isn't_ an incredibly common name too, so Monty has just learned to keep his mouth shut. It's just easier to not worry about it, because worrying about it doesn't do any good. 

When Monty allowed himself to think about his soulmate, he imagined someone kind of like himself, which felt a little egotistical, but he can't imagine getting along with some extroverted jock, or even someone more like Jasper.

What Monty wants, more than anything, from a soulmate is someone who makes him feel _comfortable_. And when he thinks of that person, he thinks of someone quiet and a nerdy, a little awkward, someone who maybe doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin either. Someone who probably goes by Nate because Nathan feels too formal. 

He had not really thought of his soulmate being his TA's roommate/ex-boyfriend, but he doesn't think that's a failure of imagination or anything. He's pretty sure that even if he'd thought about Nate Miller every minute of every day, he would not have come up with that. It's just not within the realm of plausible expectation.

Bellamy takes him to the same coffee shop Monty likes, with the barista he has a crush on behind the counter and all ready to threaten Monty if he hurts--Miller, apparently. His soulmate is the kind of guy who goes by his last name. 

It's not actually a warning sign. It's fine. There's nothing _wrong_ with going by your last name, even though Monty primarily associates it with guys who beat him and Jasper up in high school.

He texts Jasper while Bellamy and Octavia bicker about Octavia's soulmate, which means he now knows that, 1. Jasper's barista crush is named Octavia, 2. She has a soulmate named Lincoln whom Bellamy thinks is too old for her, and 3. She is Bellamy's little sister. His text to Jasper is these three facts, plus a fourth: _Bellamy is introducing me to Nathan Miller_.

He doesn't really expect a response to that, not right away. Honestly, he has no idea how Jasper is going to react. He barely knows how _he's_ reacting.

He eyes the guys coming in surreptitiously, trying to guess which one is Nate--Miller. If he's Bellamy's roommate, they're probably around the same age, mid-twenties, and if he's Bellamy's ex, he's probably hot. Bellamy is hot; he can have high standards.

The longer they go with no sign of Miller, the more nervous he gets, which is _stupid_. It's not like Bellamy would make this up. It's not some sort of elaborate prank. But he can't help it; it's his _soulmate_. Him showing up is just as nerve-wracking as him skipping out. 

His anxiety must be palpable, because Bellamy says, "Come on, let's grab a table. I know you have a shit-ton of history reading."

It is an improvement. The reading is actually pretty engaging, so he doesn't have to worry about hating his soulmate's roommate's class, which would be awkward, and it takes his mind of Nate. Or, like, forty-percent of his mind, which is more than he was expecting.

"Miller!" says Octavia, loud enough to wake the dead, and Monty's head snaps up.

His first impression is, honestly, that Nate--Miller--is going to be _so_ disappointed in him. Because Miller is hot, like-- _real_ hot. Monty tends to identify as nerd-attractive, because he's not a bad-looking guy, but he tends to appeal to people who like, well, nerds. But Miller is wearing this tight t-shirt that shows off nice arms, and he's got a well-trimmed beard and jeans that fit him really well, and--yeah. It's all a lot to take in, until Monty sees the thick leather band on his wrist, and realizes it's probably there covering up _Monty's name_.

That's something, anyway.

And then they spend three hours talking about video games, and another hour chatting over pizza, and it _is_ comfortable. It's comfortable and easy and honestly terrifying, because he can see the flicker of interest, of _want_ in Nate's eyes when he looks at Monty, and Monty--he likes Nate, is even attracted to him, aesthetically speaking, but he doesn't want to follow him home and have sex or anything, and what if Nate wants that? What if he's going to be disappointed when Monty says he has work to do? What if he's one of those people who thinks being soulmates replaces the first few stages of a relationship, and he's upset that Monty needs to go slow?

But they part without even a kiss, and if Nate's unhappy with that, he shows no sign of it. He seems--pleased, honestly.

Maybe it's something they'll be able to figure out. It doesn't feel impossible to talk about it. 

Nothing feels impossible.

Jasper's response to his text was just a bunch of exclamation points, which is fairly encouraging, for Jasper, so Monty stops in when he sees his door is open.

"It's the right Nathan Miller?" Jasper asks, wide-eyed.

"Right Nathan Miller, yeah. He and Bellamy are, like--roommates/exes/BFFs. So he knew my name."

"God, that's so _unfair_ ," says Jasper, flopping back on his bed with his hands over his face. "You weren't even _trying_."

Monty has to smile. "Maybe that's why. Maybe it's one of those things where it only works when you've accepted who you are without your soulmate."

Jasper moves his hands so he can glare, and Monty just smiles. "So, how is he? Have you been with him this whole time?"

"Yeah. We got coffee and talked and then grabbed dinner." He rubs the back of his neck, because--he still can't quite wrap his mind around what Nate is. He's quiet without seeming shy, sarcastic and a little gruff, but--he was so _nervous_ , and that, more than anything, makes Monty feel good about him. If they both want this to work, if they're both worried about screwing it up, then Monty feels a lot better about everything. They might not be good at being soulmates yet, but they want to be. "He's a computer programmer," he finally settles on. "So we have stuff to talk about."

"When do I get to meet him?"

"Um, I don't know. We're hanging out on Friday, but I think that's one-on-one again. Maybe Saturday? We can play video games or something. I'll see if his roommate wants to come. It'll be a party."

"Ask if they know an Anne Smith. Maybe I'll get lucky and one of them used to date her."

"As far as I know they're both gay, but sure," says Monty. "I'll see what I can do."

*

Monty is actually more nervous about Jasper meeting Nate than he was about meeting Nate himself, although he assumes that's in large part because he didn't really have very long to be nervous about meeting Nate himself. Whereas with Jasper, he has all of Thursday and most of Friday to wonder how Nate will react to the Saturday hangout idea--maybe he has better things to do than hang out with college kids on a Saturday night? Maybe he wants to go to bars? Monty needs a new fake ID, probably--a brief reprise on Friday where he worries about other shit, like Nate's homophobic parents and the asexuality conversation, and then making out, which he really enjoys, to his relief, and then, finally, he mentions hanging out with Jasper tomorrow, and Nate just says he'll tell Bellamy and Octavia to come, to make it a party.

So that leaves all of Saturday for worrying about Nate and Jasper not getting along.

It's a pretty valid concern, Monty thinks. There's Jasper's general weirdness about soulmates, which mostly ties into his annoyance about being single, which--Monty's sympathetic. Being single is tough if you really, really don't want to be, and Jasper's been not wanting to be single basically since he hit puberty. And Monty's never cared that much, so it probably especially sucks that he managed to luck into his soulmate before Jasper did.

But that's not an excuse for being a dick, and Monty can't help being concerned Jasper will think it is. And he has no idea how Nate reacts to people. But he does at least know that his best friend is Bellamy and that they show affection by calling each other dicks, so--maybe that's a good sign?

God, he has no idea.

"Just be nice," he tells Jasper as they walk over.

"I'm nice," says Jasper, a little petulant. This is already going great. "Why wouldn't I be nice?"

"Just--don't be weird. Cut him some slack."

"Why would he need slack?"

"I don't know! Maybe he won't. But if he needs slack, you should cut him slack. He might be nervous."

"Like you're nervous?"

Monty rubs his face. "Yes, just like I'm nervous."

Jasper slings his arm around Monty's shoulders. "Look, it's fine! It's gonna be fine. I'll be cool, he'll be cool, Bellamy's hot sister will be cool--"

"Don't call her that. Can that be on the list of things you don't do?"

He grins. "I'll be cool. Don't worry."

"Not reassured," Monty mutters.

But it's--fine. Octavia brings her soulmate, Lincoln, so there are a decent number of people around, and it feels more like friends hanging out than Jasper meeting Monty's boyfriend. Nate and Monty sit next to each other and do quiet, private trash talk, in contrast to Bellamy and Octavia yelling at each other at top volume and Jasper just occasionally shouting "Fuckers!" and giving everyone the finger.

It's fun, really. Monty has a good number of friends in college, way more than he did in high school, but this still feels different, and he doesn't think it's just because of Nate. It's a cohesive group, and he fits in easily.

"Same time next week?" Jasper asks. He doesn't even seem upset about Octavia's soulmate. Of course, her soulmate is gigantic, so he could probably twist Jasper up like a pretzel without breaking a sweat, but Monty is choosing to believe Jasper just recognizes that Lincoln is a really cool guy.

"Fridays are better for me for a regular thing," says Octavia, looking at her phone. "That's when we usually do it, but Miller had his date."

Monty flushes. "You should have told me, we could have--"

She flashes him a grin. "Are you kidding? _Miller had a date_."

"Thanks, little Blake."

"I could do Fridays," Monty says, mostly to take the attention off Nate, who's looking a little embarrassed.

"Cool, you're always welcome," Bellamy says. "Are you staying over?"

He asks it casually, but Monty feels tension ratchet up his body, and he can see Nate and Jasper wince too.

"Jesus, sorry I asked," says Bellamy, and wanders into the kitchen, probably to give them some privacy. Or just because he doesn't want to be involved. Octavia and Lincoln leave with waves, and Jasper gives him a challenging look that makes his stomach churn.

" _Are_ you staying?" he asks.

It's a question that hadn't even occurred to him. There could be reasons to stay, he supposes, outside of sex. He could spend more time getting to know Nate. They could see how their Netflix preferences compare. And it rankles a little that Jasper seems so put off. Why couldn't Monty sleep over? Plenty of people would already be ready for sex, in his place. He's heard of people who _married_ their soulmates within three days of meeting them, because the pull was so strong, and while he still thinks that's basically a terrible idea, it at least means that spending the night is fairly benign, as choices go.

But it's probably a bad idea to do it primarily because he wants to spite Jasper. It's something he and Nate should actually discuss and make their minds up about, like rational people.

"I'm not," he says, but he does lean up and press his lips against Nate's, brief but firm. "I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

Nate smiles. "Sounds good. Nice to meet you, Jasper."

"Yeah, same," says Jasper, and it even sounds genuine.

"What the hell was that?" Monty demands, as soon as they're outside.

"I just didn't think you guys were having sleepovers yet," he says, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"We're not," says Monty. "His roommate asked, not him. He was just curious. It's his place too." He pauses, but it's a conversation they have to have, sooner or later. And it might as well be now. "And who cares if we are? That's our decision."

"I don't want you to get carried away. He's your soulmate, but what do you even know about him? You should be careful." He looks down. "I know it's supposed to be hard to think straight about it, so one of us should, right?"

"I'm thinking straight," says Monty, relaxing a little. He gives Jasper a wry smile. "Come on, have you ever seen me lose my head about a guy?"

"There's a first time for everything," he grumbles. And then, so soft Monty almost misses it, he says, "I just--I don't want to suddenly stop seeing you. Like you're with him all the time."

"It's not going to be like that," Monty says.

"You've known him for four days and you've seen him three of them," Jasper says, vaguely accusatory.

"Tonight was your idea," Monty says. "You wanted to meet him."

"I know. But--you're my best friend."

"This doesn't change that."

"You've never had a boyfriend before."

"What are you expecting me to say?" he asks. "He's--he's my soulmate. Of course I want to get to know him. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop being your best friend." 

Jasper nods, but he doesn't look _happy_ , and when Monty gets home, he examines his schedule, trying to figure out what the ideal friend/boyfriend balance even looks like. He's never had to navigate this before. How much time does he even want to spend with Nate? He likes Nate, but--

His phone buzzes before he can work himself into too much of a panic, and he smiles when he sees Nate has just sent, _Everything okay with jasper?_

At least Nate will probably help with the whole thing. Nate doesn't seem like the jealous type. _Yeah. He's worried I'm going to abandon him. Dating is new territory for both of us._

The ellipses stay up for a long time, so he's expecting a long response, but all he gets is, _I can see that. Let me know if I can help._ So he probably stressed over that, spent time writing and rewriting it. Which is honestly even better.

_Yeah, I will. Night, Nate._

_Goodnight._

*

The unfortunate part of Jasper's whole _I don't want you to abandon me_ thing is that it means Monty feels like he can't talk about this stuff with Jasper. He doesn't say anything, but Monty still gets these vaguely uncomfortable vibes, like every time he goes over to Nate's (which is, like, twice a week max, not including Fridays, which doesn't feel like that much, honestly), and even just when he gets a _text_ while he's hanging out with Jasper. And he doesn't want to push because of course Jasper hates being single, Jasper has _always_ hated being single, and here's Monty, who didn't even care, with a boyfriend who makes him go all gooey every time they talk.

So when, a little over a month into the semester, Clarke says, "How was your weekend?" while they're working on their lab, Monty kind of loses it in his desperation to vent to _someone_.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" he asks.

She blinks. "Uh, no. No girlfriend either. But I'm--not really looking."

"Oh, yeah, I didn't mean--" He gives her a sheepish smile. "I've got my first ever boyfriend, and it's kind of stressful. I was looking for advice, not a date. But I totally failed, so I get your confusion."

That gets a laugh, and Monty can see her relax. "Oh. Sorry, just--bad breakup. But advice I can do. I mean, no promises on quality, but I've been in a few relationships."

"He's great," Monty says quickly. "My boyfriend. I--yeah. He's great. But you remember Jasper?"

"The hyperactive kid with the goggles?"

"Yeah. He's--neither of us has every really dated before, and he really, really wants to, and I've never really cared about it. So now that I've got Nate and he's still single, he's being--weird."

Clarke worries her lip. "This isn't, like--he's been in love with you for years and now you have a boyfriend and he's jealous or something, is it? Or he suddenly realized he's in love with you because you're with someone else or some other rom-com staple?"

"No. Pretty sure no. He's straight. He's just--I think he's jealous, but he doesn't want to say that, so it's just really awkward. Every time I go to hang out with Nate he gets weird about it. And he _likes_ Nate. We do game nights on Fridays with his roommate and they get along fine. But I think he's afraid I'm going to just--stop wanting to be his friend. And I don't know how to help with that, other than sticking around, but I still want to spend _some_ time with Nate, you know?" Clarke is smiling a little, and Monty laughs softly. "Sorry, I bet this isn't what you were expecting when you asked how my weekend went."

"No, it's fine, just--I wish I had more practical experience to help you out." She leans over the petri dish she's working on, examining the contents. "My best friend is the, you know. _I've got a soulmate, I'm going to wait for her_ type. And I'm more, _I've got a soulmate, I'll find her when I find her_. So all my stuff in high school was pretty--it felt temporary, I guess. But this is serious?"

Monty's hand strays to his hip. "Yeah."

"God, I'm going to be so bad at this advice thing," she says, letting out a huff of breath.

"It's fine. I just--I don't like talking to Nate about it, because he definitely thinks Jasper is overreacting, and I get why. And then I can't talk to Jasper about it because he just says he's fine even though he's clearly not. And on top of that, Nate's my first boyfriend, so I really _need_ someone to talk to stuff about, but I don't really have anyone."

"Well," says Clarke. "I can't promise I'll help, but I can listen. How much--I guess Jasper is most of your social life, yeah?"

"Yeah. We hang out with other people, but it's both of us doing it. We're a package deal. But--" He worries his lip, feeling disloyal. "He went through a few _I'm gonna ditch all my friends so I can be cool_ phases in high school. And I'm sure he's gonna be--I don't even know how he'll be when he meets his soulmate, but I'm guessing it's all he'll want to talk about for at least five months. And that's fine, that's how he is, you know? It's part of his charm. Single-minded enthusiasm. But that's not how _I am_ , so I feel like I'm getting punished for stuff I'm not doing and I'd never do."

Clarke considers. "Do you drink?"

"Yeah."

"You should get drunk and talk at me for, like, at least an hour. It'll help. I feel like you need a cathartic purge before you even think about moving forward with your life."

He can't help a smile. "Probably."

She nods. "Great, so, tonight, come over, I'll google _my friends are jealous of how much time I spend with my new boyfriend_ and buy some booze."

"It's Monday night."

"We're in college. We're supposed to be irresponsible and prioritize relationships over school."

"I think that's high school."

"So you're a late bloomer," Clarke says, smiling. "Better late than never."

*

"I might be a _never_ bloomer," Monty moans. Clarke utterly destroyed him at two-truths-and-a-lie, so he's very drunk and she's, well, honestly, he has no clue. She has been drinking, but maybe not as much as him? And he can't tell how much it's affecting her. Her poker face is _so good_.

"How so?" she asks, placid.

"I don't get sex. Or--I get it, like--intellectually. Maybe I get it _too much_. I understand how it's supposed to work. But I don't--feel that way. I don't look at people and, like--arousal. Attraction, yeah. Nate is really hot. Like, really hot. It should be illegal that I _don't_ want to jump him. So maybe I'd like it. If I just--tried it."

Clarke leans her head against his shoulder. "I'm a big fan of not doing sex stuff unless you really want to," she says. "Enthusiastic consent all the way. But--I know it's complicated." There's a pause, and she says, "So, I lost my virginity when I was sixteen, for basically all the wrong reasons."

"Lost a bet?"

She laughs. "Okay, not _all_ the wrong reasons. But my parents were splitting up and I was pissed, so I went to a party and got drunk and found this guy I had kind of a thing for and went for it. And it wasn't bad or anything. I liked him, he was--" She grins. "Okay, so, I recognize now the sex was pretty bad, but it was like, okay, that's done, I got it over with. And that was kind of a relief. And the second time was better. And then the third was a lot worse, wow, that guy was--yeah. Anyway. It didn't ruin me for sex or anything, and I don't think it was a huge mistake. But--I was _sure_ when I did it. I don't think it was smart, but I knew what I wanted and it turned out okay." There's a pause, and she frowns at her drink, which makes him feel better. She _is_ drunk. "I don't know what I was trying to prove with that. Have you talked to your boyfriend about it?"

Monty smiles, resting his head on hers. "Yeah. He says he doesn't mind waiting. And it's not like we're--we cuddle a lot. And make out a ton. I like making out. It makes me feel--I dunno. Not turned on, just--happy. I like being with him."

"I feel like we're drunk enough that I can ask if it also turns you on. Like, physically."

"Yeah. But it's not--it's not like I think it's supposed to be."

"How's it supposed to be?"

"I don't really _care_ , I guess. I feel like everyone talks about being overcome with lust or whatever, and I don't get it. That just doesn't sound real to me. It's just like, oh, yeah, I'm hard, I should deal with that eventually. And I don't--thinking about him helping just makes me kind of nervous. What if I don't like it? What if I can't get off? I don't want him to think it's--him, you know? I like him so much."

"Okay," says Clarke. "So--here's the good news. I think you're doing everything just right." Monty lets out a small, disbelieving snort, and Clarke pokes him. "Seriously! I do. You're talking to Nate. You're figuring out your boundaries. He isn't pressuring you?"

"No. But he likes sex!"

"So do I, but I'm not having any, and I'm fine."

"And if your soulmate said she never wanted to have sex? Ever?"

Clarke's hand rubs her thigh through her jeans, over where soulmate's name must be. All Monty knows about Clarke's soulmate is that she's female and Clarke hasn't met her yet, and part of him wonders if he should ask, but--he's gotten the impression Clarke doesn't much like talking about her own soulmate. There's a way she tenses when the word comes up he's not even sure she's aware of. "I don't know," she admits. "I guess--I want to think I wouldn't. But assume I'm not totally sold on the whole soulmate thing anyway, so everything I say about it should be taken with a grain of salt. But, I dunno. I like sex. I do get carried away with lust. Not enough to stop thinking, but--enough to just go with it. But if I liked someone enough to want to spend the rest of my life with them, I don't think them not liking sex would be a dealbreaker. So I think you should just keep doing what you're doing. Talk and make out and just--figure it out. You haven't been together that long, right?"

"I met him two days after I met you."

"And we only _just_ started getting drunk together and oversharing," Clarke teases. "So, yeah. You've got plenty of time."

He smiles. "Thanks, Clarke."

"Well, we're lab partners," she says. "That's a bond that lasts forever."

*

Cathartic drinking really does help, Monty decides. Tuesday is kind of miserable, but just because he's hungover, and once that's worn off, he feels so, so much better. It's nice, having an impartial third party to tell him he's doing fine with his life. And he is, right? He's having mature conversations with his boyfriend about his feelings. He's doing his best to split his time between his best friend and his boyfriend, and he thinks he's doing pretty well with it. If Jasper disagrees, he can fucking _say something_ , and if he gets to be any more of a passive aggressive dick about it, Monty will say something himself.

And, honestly, Monty is _happy_. His classes are going well. He has a fairly healthy social life. He has a regular Friday-night engagement and a boyfriend he's really into. And he trusts that boyfriend to tell him if he's unhappy.

So yeah, overall? Catharsis is the _best_. He feels great.

Jasper has a paper that is eating his soul due on Friday, so when Monty says he's going to hang out with Nate, he just waves vaguely and says, "If I text 911, send Bellamy over to kill me."

"Why Bellamy?"

"I don't want to get your boyfriend thrown in jail. And maybe if our TA is in jail for murdering a student, you'll get out of finals. I've got your back even in death."

"Thanks."

Bellamy's the one who opens the door, but he's got his coat on and his bag slung over his shoulder. "Oh, awesome," he says. "I was just gonna text you that I left the door unlocked and take off, but this way makes it way less likely we get robbed. Miller's in the shower, I've got a TA session. Which you're skipping, so you better not fail this test."

Monty has to smile. He likes Bellamy a lot, now that he's used to him. "The answer is always C, right?"

"Yeah, especially on the essay questions. Uh, you're here all the time, you know where everything is, I don't know why I want to tell you how to hang out. You know how to hang out. Have fun."

He does, in fact, know how to hang out, so he grabs a beer and boots up the Wii U so he can work on the Mario Maker level he's been designing. It might be Thursday, but he is officially done with working for tonight. He's just going to play video games and hang out with his boyfriend. It's going to be awesome.

He's pretty engrossed in the game, so he misses the bathroom door opening and just becomes aware Nate is back when he hears him call, "Weren't you leaving?"

Monty glances over his shoulder and there's Nate with a towel low around his waist, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

He's not overcome with lust. He likes looking at Nate; he's always liked looking at Nate. Nate is, objectively, incredibly hot, and it doesn't make Monty want to do anything about it, exactly, but he's curious.

And, more than that, he's _sure_.

"Sorry, I thought you were Bellamy," Nate says, looking embarrassed. "I would have put on pants."

Monty shakes his head. "No, uh--that's fine. I don't mind." He wets his lips and then says, "Do you want to get naked and fool around?"

Nate considers for a second and then asks, "Do you?"

It's a fair question. "Yeah, I think so. No promises about--being good at it or even that into it, but I think I want to try, yeah. If you're cool with my total lack of experience and overwhelming sexuality confusion."

Nate wets his lips, and his eyes dart down, taking Monty in. It's not a turn-on, exactly, but it's--it's fucking _cool_. That Nate wants him. And maybe Monty can't do that exact same thing for him, but he can do _something_. He can want him and love him and keep him, and they can figure out the rest.

"I'm cool with those," says Nate. "I want to."

*

Monty wakes up very briefly at 7:45, when Nate's alarm goes off. He doesn't have class until 11 on Fridays, so the awakening is both unwelcome and offensive, and he burrows into the pillow with an unhappy noise. He feels Nate getting out of bed next to him, and then the press of his lips against his hair.

"You don't even have to get up, don't complain," he says. "See you tonight for game night?"

"Yeah," says Monty, already most of the way back to sleep.

The next time he wakes up, it's 8:38, and even though he has no reason to be awake, his brain has caught up with his life, so he can't get back to sleep. 

It's not like he lost his virginity, he decides, as he takes stock of himself. He's not sure what constitutes a loss of virginity in the societal sense when it's two men involved; the whole concept is so tied up in gross stuff about women's virtue that it's hard to directly translate. It seems stupid to say that penetration has to happen for virginity to go away.

Someone else got him off. Maybe he's still a virgin in the technical sense, but--it seems stupid to nitpick over it. He's had his first sexual experience.

He liked it, he thinks. It wasn't physically much of an improvement on his own hand, and he was so nervous he nearly lost his erection, but Nate sucked marks into his shoulder until he felt better, and it was-- _intimate_. He liked the closeness and the tenderness, and how much Nate clearly enjoyed it. And he liked getting Nate off, felt like about the coolest person in the world for managing a successful handjob.

And the actual sleeping together, that was nice too, Nate wrapped around him, his nose in Monty's hair. He likes that part a lot.

It's the kind of thing he'll be happy to do more, and that's a pretty awesome feeling.

Bellamy's in the kitchen when he decides to leave the bed, eating cereal and working on his laptop. Per Bellamy's usual, his hair is a mess and he's not wearing a shirt. He's, aesthetically speaking, a very attractive guy. Not, like, Nate or anything. But not bad.

"Morning," he says. "There's coffee in the pot and some weird tea Octavia bought over the sink, if you're into tea. We've got eggs if you want to cook, otherwise it's good cereal or bad cereal."

"Why do you have bad cereal?"

"Because Miller thinks Raisin Bran is edible. The good cereal is Honey Nut Cheerios."

"Thanks for clearing that up." He grabs coffee and sits down across from Bellamy. "I'll get out of your hair in a minute."

"No, it's cool. You're always welcome." He clears his throat. "If you want to talk or anything, I'm here. I know, uh--first sleepover. Might be a big deal."

Monty feels a lump in his throat, just a small one. "I'm actually really good," he admits.

"Cool. I'm glad." He looks deliberately at his laptop. "That offer's always on the table, though. If you ever need to talk, I'm--yeah. Let me know."

"Thanks, Bellamy." And then, because the moment is too heavy, he nods decisively and says, "I want the bad cereal."

"Jesus, you and Miller really are soulmates. In the cupboard next to the fridge and I hope you fucking choke on it."

He tops off Bellamy's coffee after he gets the cereal, and Bellamy sort of grunts his acknowledgement. 

Not a bad morning after, all told.

*

It's that conversation more than anything Nate says that convinces Monty to go along with the game-night fake out. Because he and Clarke are actual friends by the time he mentions her to Nate, and he's not convinced that she'll appreciate being ambushed with her soulmate.

Except her soulmate is _Bellamy_ , a known quantity. And as soon as Nate tells him, it makes actual _sense_. Clarke is awesome, smart and determined and dedicated, but she's got this prickly exterior she doesn't quite know how to let down most of the time, which she and Bellamy have in common. If she has time to prepare for him, she'll be on high alert, defenses up, and--it'd be a shame, honestly. Because Bellamy will be so good for her, if she gives him a chance.

So he invites her to game night at 5:30 on Friday and frets all through dinner with Nate.

"Trust me," he says, hooking his foot around Monty's under the table. "If it went badly, Bellamy would have called and told me he's going to murder me."

"Maybe it's going badly in slow-motion," he grumbles. "Maybe she's disappointed he's not a girl and he's drinking himself into a dramatic-irony-based stupor."

"Maybe they're making out."

"They might be making out," Monty grants.

"We'll go back after dinner," Nate promises. "But I'll bet you anything they're fine."

And of course they are; when they get back Clarke's asleep and Bellamy's looking at her with this reverent disbelief, like he's literally never seen anything better in his life. Monty's not ashamed to admit it makes him warm and fuzzy. Clarke deserves to be happy, and Bellamy does too.

It's great for a full week, and then it's Clarke's birthday party, and he finally ends up in that fight with Jasper that's been coming since he met Nate.

He'd noticed the change in Jasper after Clarke and Bellamy found out about each other, but he hadn't really had the time, energy, or (as he later realized) necessary information to figure it out. He'd assumed that it was just that someone else in their social circle had found their soulmate, and of course Jasper was sort of mildly upset, in the frustrated, mostly happy way he was upset about Monty's soulmate. It's still good news, broadly, it's just also kind of hard, because he hasn't found his yet. The good-natured kind of irritation. 

The party goes really well, for a while. It's not really much of a party, honestly, just the standard hanging out at Nate and Bellamy's apartment with alcohol and games, their usual crew plus Clarke's best friend Wells, who drove over from Wesleyan to scope out Bellamy and make sure he worships Clarke an appropriate amount. Which, of course, he does.

So they play a bunch of Smash Brothers and Clarke hugs everyone a lot and looks so happy that it makes Monty a little choked up. He doesn't really believe that soulmates fix all problems or anything, but--he thinks Clarke needed some friends and some love, and he's glad she's got both now.

He doesn't notice how drunk Jasper is until it's basically too late, and Lincoln comes over to say, "Your friend is crying on Octavia."

"Oh, fuck," he says. He'd been playing Sellswords with Bellamy, not really paying much attention to anything else, but he figured Jasper was fine. It's a nice party. It didn't seem like a dangerous situation. "I better--"

"I accept your forfeit," Bellamy says, magnanimous. "Let me know if Jasper needs anything."

Octavia looks profoundly relieved when she spots him.

"He's just--he's saying Clarke's Miller's now? I'm not really sure what that means. He was going to draw me a diagram but I figured I should just get you instead."

"Yeah, thanks," says Monty. He gets his shoulder under Jasper's arm and hoists him up. "I think you might be partied out," he says. "Come on, let's go say goodbye to Clarke."

"She's not--she's not on my side anymore," Jasper says vaguely.

"Yeah she is," Monty assures him. "She thinks you're great. Clarke's on everyone's side."

Jasper makes some vague noises, and Monty carts him in to say goodbye and happy birthday to Clarke, accepts a bottle of water for the road from Bellamy, because of course Bellamy would make them take water, and gives Nate a quick kiss before they head out into the chilly November evening.

He makes Jasper drink half the bottle of water and then says, "So, you want to tell me what's wrong?"

"I thought Clarke was mine, but she's Nate's."

"I think she's Clarke's. Maybe Bellamy's, but--mostly hers."

"No, but--" Jasper huffs. "If you're hanging out with Clarke, it's going to be Nate time. It's just--more and more Nate time. And then it's all going to be Nate time. And I'm going to be alone."

"You're not going to be alone," Monty says, feeling tired. He's not as drunk as Jasper is, but--he's tired of not having this conversation. He's tired of feeling bad because he met his soulmate before Jasper met his. He didn't _do_ anything. He just got lucky. And it sucks for Jasper that he hasn't found his yet, but--it's not Monty's fault. It's not _Nate's_ fault. It's not Clarke or Bellamy or Octavia or anyone's fault.

"I am."

"You're _not_. You're going to find her. And even if you don't!" he adds, outraged, because he can't hold it in anymore. "You're not losing me! I'm not going anywhere! Just because I have Nate doesn't mean I don't love you too! And you have to stop acting like that, because it's shitty, okay? It's shitty that you think I'm just your friend because I'm waiting for my soulmate. Are you just going to ditch me as soon as Anne Smith shows up? No! Because we're fucking _best friends_."

Jasper jerks away, staggering into the building next to them, hitting his shoulder, hard. "She's never going to show up," he mutters, curling in on himself.

"Dude! She is! She's your _soulmate_ , she--"

"She's not! I don't have a fucking soulmate!"

Everything stops for a minute, and Monty stares. Jasper looks torn open, and Monty thinks--well, he hasn't ever seen Jasper's soulmate mark, has he? But it's not like he's seen every inch of Jasper's skin, especially not in the last couple years. Jasper's only see his once, when they were swimming, and there were plenty of places Jasper's could be, places on his body Monty wouldn't ever see. It's not weird, to have never seen someone's mark.

But--he's never seen Jasper's hands drift to the mark in the unconscious way he's seen other people's drift, either. And he's always--but Jasper is _always_ overdramatic. He didn't think it meant anything.

"You called me," Monty says. "You called me, on our birthday, and gave me a name."

"I was--I was embarrassed!" Jasper says, and he still sounds so wrecked. "I don't--why don't I get anyone? Why am I not good enough? Everyone gets someone and I just _don't_. And I knew I wouldn't! I was _so sure_. I made up that name when I was _fifteen_ , after my sister got hers. I thought, _what am I going to tell everyone if I don't get one?_ So I came up with a name that--I could find a thousand of them and they'd all just be the wrong one. No one would ever have to find out." He lets out a ragged breath. "I _knew_ , Monty. And I was right. And I'm never--I'm not going to get that."

"Fuck," says Monty. He's breathing hard too, doesn't even quite know _why_. It's too much to process. He feels so _stupid_ , that he didn't notice, even though Jasper didn't want him to notice. Even though he was never supposed to know. "Jasper, that's not--it doesn't work like that."

"It does! Some people get someone, and some people don't. And I don't."

"You _do_ ," says Monty. "You get me. You're always going to have me. And you can--" He chokes on _you can still be happy_ , because he believes that, but he's saying it from the other side. He has a soulmate, and Jasper doesn't. He can say that Jasper can be happy, but Jasper knows what he doesn't have. "Plenty of people have shitty soulmates," he says instead. "Bellamy's mom's soulmate tried to make her give him up for adoption because he didn't like being reminded she had a life before they met." He swallows. "And I don't--I think I'm probably asexual? And Nate says he doesn't mind, but--I don't like blowjobs that much, Jasper. I just don't care about them. I thought everyone was supposed to like blowjobs. But I don't, and he's stuck with me anyway."

"No he's not," says Jasper, fierce. "He _gets_ you. He's lucky. Don't ever let him--he should be so fucking happy he gets you."

"He is," Monty promises. "He is, okay? I don't even get it. It still doesn't feel real. And--it's not easy for anyone, Jasper, okay? It's just--it's good and it's bad and maybe if you've got a name on you, you can believe that it's always going to get better. But you can just believe that, okay? You can believe that all by yourself."

Jasper stares at him, and then the moment breaks, and he's laughing, even harder than Nate laughed when he found out who Clarke was. And Monty's laughing just as hard, the two of them breaking down right there on the street, while the scattered groups of people passing by pretend not to see them.

"That was so fucking inspirational," Jasper finally manages, breathless.

"Shut up. I really meant that."

"That just makes it more inspirational."

"Just drink the fucking water," says Monty, shoving it at Jasper's chest, and Jasper leans back into his side as they head home.

*

They don't talk about it after, not really. Jasper comes over in the morning and says he's been an asshole for a few months, and Monty agrees and forgives him. And just like that, it's easier. Jasper asks him not to tell anyone, and Monty doesn't. But it makes more sense, how Jasper's been feeling, and Monty can balance Jasper and Nate more easily now, makes sure to get some time with just Jasper, and figures out private stuff with their other friends too. They show Clarke around Boston and hang out at the coffee shop with Octavia, and make Bellamy give them one-on-one tutoring sessions for history, which he pretends to hate but secretly loves, because he's a nerd. They figure out how to function in different groups.

Nate and Jasper are hardest to figure out, of course, because--if he were Jasper, he doesn't think he'd know how to not resent Nate, even though he likes Nate. Nate is a living, breathing reminder that Monty has something Jasper wants, something Jasper won't get. He has a girlfriend now, anyway, something temporary with Octavia's friend Maya, but she has a name on the soft skin of her forearm, a name that isn't Jasper's.

Still, Jasper says it's nice for now. 

"She likes having a plus-one to things," he explains, trying to drive Monty off the road in some weird racing game he bought from the bargain bin at Gamestop. "She's going to take me to her dad's asshole boss's Christmas party and we'll plot to murder him."

"Always the best part of Christmas," says Nate, clicking his beer against Jasper's. Monty mostly told him Jasper was going through some shit and he'd be better soon, and Nate seems to believe it.

Monty's trying to believe it too.

"What about you?" Jasper asks, and he sounds genuinely interested, not just like he's saying it out of obligation. "Going home for Christmas?"

"Yeah," says Nate. His eyes flick to Monty, a question, and Monty gives him half a smile. It's amazing to him that Nate understands that means _he doesn't know about any of it_ , but--maybe that's why they're soulmates. "I'm, uh--I'm pretty nervous, honestly."

"Why?"

"I'm not out to my parents. But now that--this is my first time seeing them in person since I met Monty, so I decided I'm going to tell them." He rubs his thumb over his wristband, and it makes Monty ache. He's seen Nate tugging it recently, noticed him wearing it less when they're alone, and he knows how much it's been bothering him. He's hoping coming out will help.

"But they--what do they think about your soulmate?" Jasper asks, sounding genuinely perplexed, like he doesn't know how easy it is to fool people about his soulmate.

Nate's laugh is soft and self-deprecating, and Monty squeezes his hand. "They think it's a girl named Mary Green." He worries his lip. "Is it weird that I'm as worried about telling them about the name as I am about saying I'm gay? It's--I wasn't just keeping it quiet, I _lied_. How are they gonna forgive me for that?"

It's Jasper's turn to look at Monty, and it's not a surprise that he can interpret Monty's one-shouldered shrug perfectly. They're finally back on the same page. "Monty forgave me."

"For what?" asks Nate, looking between them.

"I don't have a name," says Jasper, and it doesn't sound like it hurts as much, the second time. "I don't have a soulmate. I lied."

"Oh," says Nate. He claps Jasper on the shoulder. "I'm sorry, man. That sucks."

Jasper grins. "Thank you! Monty gave me this whole inspirational speech, you know. About believing in myself. But you get right to the point. It _does_ suck, you're right!"

"See if I ever try to make you feel better again," Monty says, but Nate and Jasper are smiling at each other, and it's impossible for him to not be smiling too. "From now on, everything just sucks all the time."

"All the time," Nate agrees, and squeezes his fingers.

*

**Author's Note:**

> So, a note on Monty's sexuality: it's based pretty heavily on my own experiences, which I'm generally wary of doing on as broad a level as I did here, but, hey, what is fiction for besides working through your own issues? It's possible that what Monty is going through may not ring true to other people's experiences, which is part of why I tagged it with "asexuality spectrum" and left his identification more fluid. I wanted to convey Monty trying to figure himself out, and show that it's part of an ongoing process, which will continue after this fic ends and on into the rest of Monty's fictional life. Which is, as far as I'm concerned, a good general attitude to take with sexuality, and everything else in life. 
> 
> That went a weird place. Anyway, yeah! That is where I was coming from with Monty here, and I hope it came across.


End file.
